In case it isn’t already abundantly clear, the holidays make me a smidge crazy. Standing in line at my friendly neighborhood Rite Aid this evening, I was struck by the sudden sinking conviction that I do not give nearly enough Chia® products as gifts (to date, I have done so approximately never). Even the sad line of harried-looking women hovering around the three or four sadder Barbie® dolls caused me a moment of panic, as I reconsidered my entire gift-giving strategy.
Even though my crazy has obviously reached a fever pitch, I have seen some ads recently that have convinced me that I am not entirely hopeless. Their implications for the rest of the world, unfortunately, are simply terrifying.
The Offenders
Honorable Mention
The good people at Glade® have gone in an interesting direction lately. One of their commercials opens on a woman sitting at a table and staring glumly at a few pillar candles. “Some candles just look too much alike,” the sympathetic voice-over tells us, before cutting to the now-happy woman with a few tealight-esque candles in glass holders.
I mean…really? I can see picking up a candle because it’s unusual/interesting/etc. However. “Some candles just look too much alike”? If this is your buying rationale, set down the candles, walk out your front door, and go find a place to volunteer your time, because a reality check is absolutely crucial for you.
Do it now.
Runner-Up
You know what I think my super would absolutely love this year instead of a Christmas tip? A McDonald’s® gift card. Are they serious with this?
From what I saw of this ad, the premise was that they make great gifts for people you don’t know well enough to buy real presents for. Take it from me: these people want cash. Gift certificates work in many situations, but if McDonald’s® is the best you can come up with, then I repeat: the person wants cash.
If, on the other hand, you are trying to say: “You come off as trashy, your arteries are your own problem, and I don’t want to give you money because you’re the type to throw it away on alcohol or the dog track,” then you’ve found the perfect gift. And at that point, don’t you think that it would be more in the spirit of Christmas to just bite your tongue?
And the Grand Prize
Generally speaking, since I got my TiVo® I have not had to watch a single commercial, ever. Which I adore. In this instance, though, I began recording whatever show was on at the time after this ad aired, so that I could walk away, then watch it again after the shuddering stopped (not yet).
Apparently, there is a new collector’s item out there: two-piece 9/11 memorial coins. They are made primarily of 24kt gold, but contain a piece shaped like the Twin Towers, made of .999 sterling silver. This silver, we are told, was recovered from the vaults under Ground Zero. (I found a website that casts some doubt on this claim–apparently there are investigations into other coins claiming to be cast from this silver, suggesting that they are, in fact, just regular silver. I’m not sure whether it’s worse if it’s true, or if it’s false.)
But stop gaping. There’s more.
This silver piece, shaped like the Towers? It is on a hinge of some kind, so that it can rise up out of the coin to form a “breathtaking standing sculpture.”
This, we are told, will be “the most meaningful collectible [we] own.” Which is one of those appalling truths that tempt you to slap the person who told it.
I am providing a link to the website I found for these coins, here. You are welcome to take a look.
If you consider purchasing one, though, don’t bother coming back here, because you and I have nothing to say to each other.